Okay, I know this “holiday” sounds fake, but the internet told me it was today, so it has to be true. And you know something? I feel this one. I feel this one in my bones. I’ll be honest, I don’t really get Easter, I don’t know what colored eggs, rabbits, and Jesus have to do with each other — but I celebrate it, because I love hard boiled eggs.
I also don’t really understand St. Patrick’s Day, which is tomorrow. It’s not really celebrated in Ireland, and while I am Irish, all I know is that my mom makes corned beef and cabbage and I get really drunk and try to skinny dip in the green-dyed Chicago river.
But I get Everything You Do Is Right Day, because I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.
Here is a list of examples proving that I have never been wrong, ever.
The Lyrics To Rihanna’s “Only Girl”
“I want you to love me like a hot pie,” is the only thing that makes sense, regardless of what lyric sites will have you believe. Everybody loves pie!
Honestly, I was even convinced I was wrong for a hot minute and the lyrics were maybe “I want you to love me like a hot guy.” Perchance bad girl Riri was hitting on a straight woman in this song? I’m not one to judge, but it was still OBVIOUSLY “pie.”
Look up those lyrics though and people will try to tell you it’s “I want you to love me like a hot ride.” What does that even mean? Like, those car seats that have the heaters in them?
Give me a break.
When I Correctly Claimed This Man Was A Time Traveler
You may call him Ernest Jeffrey Moniz, the United States Secretary of Energy, but I call him ye olde so-and-so from the Civil War.
If You Swim Right After You Eat You Will Turn Into A Mermaid, But With The Fish Half On Top Instead Of Bottom
You’re not going to get a cramp and drown, you just wish you did when you’re stuck eating fish pellets and your parents are too ashamed to call you their own because of your stupid fish face.
Everyone In Middle School Will Follow Me On Facebook/Instagram And Feel Bad With The Way They Used To Treat Me Because I’m PRETTY INSIDE AND OUT.
You will rue the day.