Top 7 Things We Learned From Last Night’s True Detective: Black Maps & Hotel Rooms

1. Apparently, everything is f*cking? Is the Season 2's version of "time is a flat circle?"

Apparently, everything is f*cking? Is the Season 2's version of "time is a flat circle?"

Ani and her missing girl from the Eyes Wide Shut mansion have a heart to heart, but lo and behold, the missing girl didn't want to found. Duh, the alternative is her checking in for a one night stay at the low Yelp-reviewed torture shack! She's like "uh, return to sender," but Ani's like "you're going to die if you go back." We also find out that Caspere's former assistant, also turned out to be one of the missing witnesses of a jewel robbery, that allowed Caspere (and a couple other crooked cops) to enter the influential prostitution ring business.


2. Ani and Ray prove the theory that everything is indeed f*cking.

Ani and Ray prove the theory that everything is indeed f*cking.

How could Ani resist Ray's green and black aura, and multiple past lives? After some moments of sexual tension, Ray and Ani finally consummate their mutual attraction, which is great, except that Paul is like "hey guys can you pick me up?" while they're getting hot and heavy (despite the fact that Ray's mustache has been reabsorbed into his eyebrows). No word yet on whether or not Ray is into anal like we know Ani is from the first episode.

3. Frank gives Blake a performance evaluation.

Frank gives Blake a performance evaluation.

You broke Frank's heart, Blake. His blue ball-filled heart. Blake had been selling Frank out to the Russians, and for that, he gets hit over the face with a glass of whisky, choked with Vince Vaughn's huge hands, and then let go after he gets information about why he gave Frank the wrong name of Ray's killer (he was just a meth head… named Heisenberg?), and why he killed Stan. You know, Stan, the best guy in the world, who we saw for maybe 4 seconds. R.I.P. Stan.

4. JK BLAKE YOU DEAD.

JK BLAKE YOU DEAD.

Blake bites the bullet, literally, while Frank talks about how he found Blake selling aspirin to teens on the streets. Does creator Pizza-latte know anything about drugs?

5. The "hey what's that over there" routine still works.

The "hey what's that over there" routine still works.

Frank, realizing he'd been played by Caspere, Osip the one who has Opulence, Catalyst, and Chessani (heck, even Chessani's son), decides to get out dodge, and crash weddings. Just kidding, there's a brief mentioning of opening an Applebee's but who can tell? Despite the fact that the cast of Eastern Promises are taking over everything he used to own, he sets fire to his former life, in hopes of running away his Lady Macbeth. He also manages to trick one of Osip's henchmen by doing the what's that over there gimmick. Look at the CG! Impressive, HBO, impressive.

6. Paul's Broke Black Mountain tryst is used as blackmail, and judging by the amount of emojis used in the blackmail text, my 20-year-old sister is the one blackmailing him.

Paul's <em>Broke Black Mountain</em> tryst is used as blackmail, and judging by the amount of emojis used in the blackmail text, my 20-year-old sister is the one blackmailing him.

Over course, Paul walks into a trap, and meets up with the crooked cop Holloway, who wants all his evidence. Paul manages to knock out Holloway, before taking down his fellow Black Mountaineers. Everything's coming up Milhouse for Paul, until it is not.

7. Paul is dead. Miss him, miss him, miss him.

Paul is dead. Miss him, miss him, miss him.

Just like Paul McCartney back in 1966, Paul Woodrugh is dead. Like really dead. Well, maybe not dead, since everyone who dies on a show on HBO has a 50% chance of still being alive, or being resurrected.

But it doesn't look promising.

But it doesn't look promising.

Paul's last words were also my reaction to his death. Here's my initial thoughts to the fact that Paul was done in by Lieutenant Burris: Lieutenant Burris is not the Birdman murderer who killed Caspere, the friendliest, horniest ghost, because of the lack of masks and theatrics. A lot of people seem to think it's the photographer from the movie set. What do you think?